Tired

So, the terms almost over FINALLY! Got rejected twice (almost a third) by guys, finally kissed someone new, but that didn't last too long. It sucks too because even though the guy wasn't my perfect, he was a good guy. Can I say I tried my hardest this term? In men, yes (lololol), in class, not really, but it was the first term of me living by myself, which is quite the step.

So guess what I ended up learning this year? I'm actually a messy person xD I mean, I can clean if I wanted to, but I have so much to do that I don't really have the time. Ok, that's a little lie, but LATELY I've been super busy. Especially today, jesus christ what a day. I haven't done much, other than work all day and go to Office Depot TWICE. Second time was totally worth it. I finally saw the cute worker that I've only seen once and that was in September. Got to tell him my name and hear the same thing he said last time xD It was fun. I'm still not done with what I have to do ): I'm just tired. I'm not gonna get much sleep tonight, I know this.

I'm also tired of hearing about my appearance. It's affected me so much that, even though I don't call anyone ugly or try not to, I don't always consider myself as pretty. I try to be, I try so hard. I've been dressing like a "hipster" just to look attractive and approachable. Even though it seems like I've got a ton of confidence by asking guys out, I really don't. When I come back home from flirting with a guy, I repeat the things I said to them and the way I said it in the mirror and think "Gross." I've been called ugly for most of my life and I know how much it hurts, hence why I don't use that word. It also hurts when friends tell me I'm pretty because I just feel pathetic that I have to be reminded that I'm not the worst looking thing on the planet. It's such a horrible and awkward discussion anyways because no matter how many times you tell your friend that they're gorgeous, they won't believe it. I mean I do have my days where I'm like "DAYUM, WHO DAT GURL" but from what society considers as beautiful, my physical features aren't really up there. My last guy was really nice though because I didn't feel ugly at all around him. He'd pause in between kisses just to look at me.

Wanna know something fun for me? I love reading my writing, even though my writing sucks. I have great ideas, I know it cause I think way too much. I don't feel smart though, not book/facts smart, which is fine for the most part. I like that I'm creative without trying so hard. And now the day is technically over. I have to finish my stuff, BAI

J vs. J

[5:25:13 PM] Sam: Things in common with
[5:25:16 PM] Sam: Sir jefferson
[5:25:22 PM] Sam: So
[5:25:23 PM] Sam: one thing in common
[5:25:25 PM] Sam: face
[5:25:26 PM] Sam: fugly
[5:25:40 PM] Sam: ok
[5:25:42 PM] Sam: second thing in common
[5:25:48 PM] Sam: ...
[5:25:50 PM] Sam: both work
[5:25:51 PM] Sam: at
[5:25:52 PM] Sam: a
[5:25:55 PM] Sam: grocery?
[5:26:14 PM] Sam: jefferson works at crappy miminum wage job
[5:26:19 PM | Removed 5:26:43 PM] Sam: This message has been removed.
[5:26:25 PM | Removed 5:26:39 PM] Sam: This message has been removed.
[5:26:28 PM | Removed 5:26:38 PM] Sam: This message has been removed.
[5:26:33 PM] Sam: sorry
[5:26:49 PM] Sam: both kinda dorky
[5:26:51 PM] Sam: jefferson
[5:26:54 PM] Sam: possible rapist
[5:27:03 PM] Sam: jake looks like a mouse
[5:27:05 PM] Sam: (cute?)
[5:27:11 PM] Sam: cute
[5:27:19 PM] Sam: jefferson looks like a parrot
[5:27:23 PM] Sam: (potential slur?)
[5:27:32 PM] Sam: offensive
[5:27:42 PM] Sam: ok
[5:27:44 PM] Sam: so
[5:27:59 PM] Sam: both have penis
[5:28:06 PM] Sam: (whitney may want?)
[5:28:09 PM] Sam: both could be part of
[5:28:11 PM] Sam: a zoo
[5:28:16 PM] Sam: not as workers
[5:28:36 PM] Sam: things not in common
[5:28:37 PM] Sam: ok
[5:28:40 PM] Sam: so
[5:28:43 PM] Sam: umm
[5:28:44 PM] Sam: jake
[5:28:46 PM] Sam: oh WAIT
[5:28:48 PM] Sam: jk
[5:28:51 PM] Sam: thing in common
[5:28:54 PM] Sam: ok
[5:28:55 PM] Sam: both have
[5:28:59 PM] Sam: both of their names
[5:29:01 PM] Sam: start with a letter
[5:29:09 PM] Sam: jay
[5:29:16 PM] Sam: ok
[5:29:20 PM] Sam: things anti in common
[5:29:28 PM] Sam: Jake works
[5:29:30 PM] Sam: in a higher position
[5:29:36 PM] Sam: (maybe he liikes to be on top)
[5:29:39 PM] Sam: jefferson
[5:29:41 PM] Sam: is really
[5:29:43 PM] Sam: really
[5:29:46 PM] Sam: represents
[5:29:48 PM] Sam: a bad worker
[5:29:51 PM] Sam: unmotivated
[5:29:56 PM] Sam: (could extend to bed)
[5:29:59 PM] Sam: slacker
[5:30:04 PM] Sam: makes whitney do all the work
[5:30:07 PM] Sam: jake also
[5:30:15 PM] Sam: has a gorgeous sexy flowing man hair
[5:30:21 PM] Sam: uses conditioner
[5:30:26 PM] Sam: jake is also white
[5:30:28 PM] Sam: very racist
[5:30:33 PM] Sam: WHILE JEFFERSOn
[5:30:35 PM] Sam: IS UNCLEAN
[5:30:37 PM] Sam: FITHLY
[5:30:39 PM] Sam: NON WHITE
[5:30:47 PM] Sam: mom does not approve
[5:30:50 PM] Sam: yes
[5:30:57 PM] Sam: Jake
[5:31:01 PM] Sam: can hold
[5:31:03 PM] Sam: a conversation
[5:31:04 PM] Sam: without
[5:31:09 PM] Sam: looking like a
[5:31:10 PM] Sam: fool
[5:31:17 PM] Sam: WHILST JEFFERSON
[5:31:21 PM] Sam: MAKES ME FEEl
[5:31:22 PM] Sam: AWKWARD
[5:31:25 PM] Sam: also
[5:31:26 PM] Sam: classical guitar
[5:31:42 PM] Sam: jake is taller than jefferson
[5:31:48 PM] Sam: and you know what they say
[5:31:51 PM] Sam: about being bigger
[5:31:56 PM] Sam: uh huh
[5:32:01 PM] Sam: whitney likes
[5:32:02 PM] Sam: small dicks
[5:32:11 PM] Sam: jake is a cooler name
[5:32:13 PM | Removed 5:32:36 PM] Sam: This message has been removed.
[5:32:41 PM] Sam: anyways
[5:32:41 PM] Sam: umm
[5:32:51 PM] Sam: Jake doesn't work as close
[5:32:53 PM] Sam: to your place
[5:32:58 PM] Sam: as jefferson did
[5:33:04 PM] Sam: oh no
[5:33:10 PM] Sam: longer running distance
[5:33:28 PM] Sam: jake remembered your name
[5:33:37 PM] Sam: jefferson called you britney
[5:33:39 PM] Sam: jake is cutere
[5:33:41 PM] Sam: ere
[5:33:41 PM] Sam: r
[5:33:41 PM] Sam: e
[5:34:02 PM] Sam: jefferson was a creeper
[5:34:10 PM] Sam: also the girl after whitney
[5:34:12 PM] Sam: is huge
[5:34:15 PM] Sam: jake is smooth
[5:34:17 PM] Sam: like
[5:34:18 PM] Sam: sexy
[5:34:19 PM] Sam: and silk
[5:34:40 PM] Sam: jake isn't as attractive
[5:34:41 PM] Sam: as other men
[5:34:45 PM] Sam: (realistic?)
[5:34:55 PM] Sam: we are done